just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You need a sexual gate keeper
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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