At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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