I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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