the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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