So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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