a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
