Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
