i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize