u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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