I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
