Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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