i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
