A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
