Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
