I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
