you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
