I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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