You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
