I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
