ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
