So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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