A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
