I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
