My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
