my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
