If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I look better un-naked...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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