Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
