I wish my penis had an off switch
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Are we still banned from the library?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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