If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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