I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
