Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
