He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
