theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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