I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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