I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
