Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
