I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
