its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
