I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
