My sheets look like a crime scene.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize