So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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