Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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