I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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