Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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