Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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