his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize