ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
