mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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