I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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