Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
