He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
