I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
