I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
