I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
