I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
