how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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