my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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