Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
