dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
