i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
