i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
